“If someone bullies you there is something wrong with them not with you” is one of the most limiting collective beliefs. Before you judge my statement read further to understand why I am saying this.

People don’t attract each other by chance. What we have inside often resonates with what the other has inside of him or her.  Take a bully and a bullied, for example, they are both hurt, emotionally, and it is this emotional pain what makes them attract to each other.

No matter how much we would like to condemn the bully and feel sorry for the bullied, if we really want to stop bullying we have to see the entire picture, look at it from a different perspective and solve it based on this new paradigm.

Often we are not conscious of our internal pain, or we are, but we don’t associate it with the fact that if we are bullied it’s because of that pain. We are not responsible for the behavior of a bully, of course; we only have something inside of us that works as a magnet for those kind of people.

Don’t rush into conclusions before you finish reading my article. I am just trying to help you reflect on something that could really change your life for the better and help your children – if you have any – prevent from going through unnecessary suffering.

When someone bullies us we see ourselves as a victim, which in part is true,  but we fail to recognize that it is our internal pain that attracted the bully. A pain that originates from our family’s toxic inherited elements ‒ a lack of self-love, a feeling of inferiority, or the belief that we are not worthy of receiving love ‒ and which resonates with the same pain the bully has. This is why bully and bullied attract each other; they are similar in some way.

Some people don’t carry major pain around – they fully and really love themselves, and these people can be also targeted by bullies for they have something the bully needs: good energy. The bullies learn very quickly that they are messing with the wrong person. For a bully to feel successful at tormenting his target, there needs to be a connection with the other person. And this connection is the internal pain both carry.

Both roles, bully and bullied, are not desirable – why?

1. If a bully can change but nobody does anything to stimulate and inspire that change, then he or she will never know that they could have freed themselves from their toxic family conditionings and build constructive relationships. That would be a loss, not only for the person in question, but also for those around him or her, not to mention the toxic legacy that the bully will pass onto his or her children.

2. If a bullied person gets stuck in a victim role, he or she will never do something about their internal pain. This means two things: they will be victim for life or will escape bullies entrenching themselves in a reality of delusion, which doesn’t mean that they are safe and happy, rather that they won’t be conscious of the fact that their pain will continue to erode them from the inside and worse, they will pass a toxic legacy onto their children, putting their safety and lives at risk.

Collective toxic beliefs such as “If someone bullies you there is something wrong with them not with you”, reinforce dysfunctional behaviors and destructive tendecies. Beliefs like this are damaging, because they tell only half of the truth, and label the bully as perpetrator and the bullied as victim for life.

With that said,

Can we stop bullying?

Yes, we can but it can’t happen overnight. Both, bully and bullied, can break the chain of abuse by recognizing and eliminating their internal toxic programming.


Change societal beliefs to eliminate bullying

By believing “If someone bullies you there is something wrong with them not with you”,  we are all responsible for reinforcing toxic tendencies and behaviors of victim and perpetrator. Victims and perpetrators are also people who have positions in companies, organizations, institutions, not to mention the roles they play in their families. Knowing that individuals make societies, if individuals don’t function properly, also because of the influence of collective beliefs, then we are creating all together a dysfunctional, toxic society that affects us all.

Now more than ever we should question what we have been taught and believed, and free ourselves from those convictions that have been limiting our lives and our progress as human beings.

Change is possible but you have to be ready for it. Only then you can eliminate all toxic conditionings that were cast upon you by family and society. The benefits will be huge: you will learn to really love yourself and live in harmonious synergy with yourself, your environment, and the world. All areas of your life will be constructively influenced by you and your renewed behavior. This is what it means to achieve real change. This is what is means to be really successful. This is what it means to be a New Human Being. You deserve it and so do your children.


Don’t perpetuate harm, spread love instead.

Follow me on Linkedin


About the author

Elena Perella is NOT a therapist, a psychologist or a psychiatrist; she is a coach who focuses on helping clients indentify the real reasons behind their suffering and problems. Born and raised on the beautiful Mediterranean island of Sardinia, Elena is passionate about what she does, and with good reason. Elena coached herself through a severe depression, eating disorders and domestic violence and her experience has led her on a journey of discovery of how to break out all of these challenges. As a result she created Sentidu Life Coaching to help people experience their own transformation and break free in the areas they feel stuck.